Endure the Trial of Yourself

Endure the trial of yourself and your own faults and sins peacefully, serenely, because you know that God’s mercy is greater than your brokenness.

 - Fr. Thomas Hopko

Sometimes I feel like a disaster. My thoughts are turbulent and harsh. I completely cave to one of my many vices. I am petty, grumbly, and short-tempered. On those hard days I am so ashamed of myself. 

It is very tempting to allow that shame and negative self-talk to drive me to despair, and for that despair to make me hide from God like Adam in the garden. It takes a lot of effort to push back against that temptation and to remember that any thought preventing me from praying or from running straight to Christ is of the devil. 

Metropolitan Anthony Bloom wrote that, “God can save the sinner you are, not the saint you pretend to be." Psalm 50 reminds us that, “A sacrifice unto God is a broken spirit; a heart that is broken and humbled God will not despise.”

Coming to the end of myself and being confronted by my own weaknesses reveals in no uncertain terms my need for mercy. When my broken and humbled heart becomes a soft, repentant, and receptive heart, there is room for God to enter and comfort me, heal and transform me, and gently lead me back to utter dependence on Him for everything beautiful, good, hopeful, and holy. 

Rather than agonizing over my brokenness, I am working instead on getting unstuck from discouragement by meditating on God’s compassion and giving thanks for His limitless forgiveness. Gratitude is truly a lifeline when drowning in doubt and despondency.  

Repentance affirms God’s gentleness and love for us and inspires emulation of that gentleness and love. How can I wholeheartedly offer what I’ve not experienced myself? How could I withhold from others the same mercy and forgiveness that has been lavishly bestowed upon me? 

Each wave of struggle effectively purges my soul of sin, if I can patiently endure it by turning Christward.